# JOB VACANCY OF THE YEAR

OPERATIONS COORDINATOR OF THE FIJI MEDIA COUNCIL:

This plum position was advertised in Tuesday’s Fiji Times and there is already a Gadarene rush of some of Fiji’s best and brightest to get their applications in. Here’s the job description, or at least our version of it. The actual one is below it. But hey, we think we’ve got it just about right.

Key Accountabilities:

• Must be able to say with a straight face that the Fijian media is now free after the lifting of the previous government’s “draconian” media laws. Must be able to look up the meaning of the word “draconian” and be able to use it in general conversation.
• Must be able to maintain the pretence that journalists and their editors and proprietors report the news fairly and without fear or favour.
• Must be able to turn a blind eye to the routine corruption of journalistic practice and ethics, including the selective coverage of stories and ignoring subjects that proprietors and editors don’t want covered.
• Must be prepared to suck up to the cuddly Minister when he appears at Media Council functions grinning from ear to ear and pretending that the media is genuinely independent. Must be able to tell him with a straight face that he would make a great prime minister.
• Must be willing to stand there holding a box of tissues as individual journalists shed crocodile tears that they are “finally free” when they have never been more compromised or constrained.
• Must be able to humour the biggest names in the Fijian media as they delude themselves into thinking that they are important and are serving the interests of the nation. Must be able to keep a straight face whenever the term “ new era of media freedom” is used.
• Must be able to remember that Vijay Narayan’s program is “Straight Talk’, not “Hard Talk” or any other “talk” and it is essential for his ego for you to remember who he had on his last program. And must be able to keep track of the many “freebies” local journalists get from Fiji’s development partners so they always think you are interested in them even when they bore you silly.
• Must be able to avoid asking anyone from the Fiji Sun about their years in China, where they were trained to please the government – any government – like the courtesans on the same course they went on.
• Must be willing to look interested when Stanley Simpson shows you his holiday snaps and Fred Wesley launches into another boring anecdote about sport. But don’t ever use the word “interesting” with Fred because he has exclusive use of the word and he will cut you dead, turn on his heels and show you his pigtail as he storms off.
• Must be willing to avoid ever asking Richard “I have the means” Naidu why he no longer writes for the Fiji Times. He will threaten to sue you.
• Must be willing to avoid ever asking that nice Mr Parkinson – bosso of the high rating CFL in Fiji and PNG – why his nickname is “Poo Poo”. You don’t want to know.

This is a position that would suit someone who doesn’t know the difference between good and bad journalism and is credulous, gormless and practiced in the arts of liumuri. You must also have a thick hide and be able to feign pretence that you are acting in the public interest.

The pay is OK and now that there is evidently adequate funding for the Media Council, there will be lots of social events with free food and booze where everyone smiles at each other and continues to pretend that they are doing a great job. So get your application in quickly and don’t miss the chance to be part of a sophisticated operation to hoodwink the Fijian people into believing they have a free media.

This is not a job for the idealistic or well-meaning. But if you are utterly shameless like us, this is genuinely the opportunity of a lifetime. Just keep taking the tablets.

Good luck!